When you feel unsure of yourself, what do you do? Go kick in some adrenaline and get life jump-start again? Go lay down and reflect what's right and where I am? If I am already unsure of self, asking these question, who will answer it? Time will know I think.

lol....wannabe blogger

Never see myself as blogger, simply because heart was never grow into as one. "Life worth living", i knew in my heart it is, no convincing required. But i found myself kept saying that, not sure what or who I am trying to convince it of. I think I found comfort in knowing reading these posts, random thoughts, more like talking to oneself. Between working out, building myself from physique to confidence, that's pretty much all what I can concentrate of. Why bother blogging it at all right?

Why did I get a blog again??

Got in the mood tonight and decided to read what did I ever written my blog, then realized the last entry was a year ago. Now I wonder why did I ever started a blog anyway.

I remember it was just a slight intention of writing down my thoughts and see if anyone out there ever feel the same as what I felt. Well for one I don't tell anyone about my blog, and I sure don't feel like letting anyone know about it. As soon as I wrote this sentence, it's double confirmed the topic tonight, why did I get a blog to begin with?

Well, I started one, without any continuity intention, I will just write whatever hit my mind and let it be a outlet for myself. Not bad an idea, I shall continue.

I am looking at scuba diving equipments, wanted to get some gear like a wet suit or a flipper. I am looking for the casing for my camera so it can dives along with me next time. I am desperately looking for a phone that will suit my ever changing life. Just when I thought I found the correct model then I always found a better one. So far it has changed from Samsung Galaxy Nexus to Samsung Galaxy S2, then that model is too old and the Galaxy S3 is coming soon so I changed my phone-to-be to Samsung Galaxy Note. I am impressed because of it's size, but I am also doubting myself because of it's size. I don't carry a bag, how do I carry that phone with me. Does anyone ever hang it on the waist like I do with all my other phones?

So I decided to set my goal back to something with a 4.7" or 4.3" screen size phone, that led me to thinking about those quad cores phone that are coming out. How is HTC One X? Anyone use that one yet? I never had a Samsung phone, and I never had a HTC too, not sure if I should start one now. Can't be too bad right?

That's all my random thought tonight. I have another secret blog to steam out my secret thoughts now.

Do you ever look at someone else life and decided it's better than your own?

A few of the friends got into the job that they like, things they love to do. And I think every once in awhile when I read up on it, I truly decided that's better than mine.

Now what will I do about it? ABSOLUTELY nothing! May be I owed myself an improvement to make mine better, then again I probably can find another 1001 excuses to make it not related. So just make it an interesting reading and go on with my own not-so-interesting-but-not-bad-neither life.

Blogging

Just read on the newspaper how the celebrities are quitting tweeter, kinda like first they want the attention, and then too much attention?

That make me wonder is blogging another crying out loud for attention? If it is I better quit while I am still ahead...haha!

Blogging for me is just a collection of thoughts in my simple brain that I wanna record down for later revision. Thoughts that I think its worth reminding myself afterward.

That's my justification for this blog to continue....hehehe!

hey life take a change

From staying alone in an apartment all by myself, from clothes is optional when alone, to now living with 4 kids and their mom. I have to say it's really are taking a big change. No that soccer mom yet but driving them around, doing things together, and the best, celebrating mother day with them. Haha.....that's the new Jamie Hon.

I have to keep asking myself, is family living really in my blood? Hmmm......answer shall reveal itself in about another month, or may be months.

Let the light shine on me

Just watched a video posted by a friend on FB, instead of just being called to remind me how Jesus has died for me and given me this powerful life, I think I got more enlightened with how we have to watch what does inside our heart always wish for. We always complaint about unfairness and how the world spin without having a heart for us. I think sometimes we just have to stop complaining, and start requesting instead. Just sit down and pray, let the uncontrollable be left to the higher all mighty, whoever you believe in.

May be by requesting, then we will realized exactly what we want, what we need, instead of complaining what we don't have or what we can't have.

Gonna try this tonight, see if this will help.

memento mori........

Remember you are mortal...

Not necessary a negative thinking,just a reminder how vulnerable we are, how we should not take things for granted.

Carpe diem, sieze the day, life your day to the fullest like there is no tomorrow.

But when I am trusting nothing in the future and believing there is no tomorrow, I also realized the vulnerability for doing that. Help others, treat others nicely, do as much as you can each day, tell someone you love them not waiting for tomorrow. All these are nice thoughts, I believe in it so much i left myself wide open believing there is no harm coming my way. I believe other easily but find it hard to trust someone. I care how I care for other and forget how other has treated me.

I asked my friends once a question, would you give your boyfriend/girlfriend half of your kidney? They always ask back the same question, depend how close he/she is, depend what kind of person he/she is, depend how I feel about he/she. I think back on how I will answer that question, I will be happy to help if I capable of. I have always answered that question like that, then i learn more and more about life, and that day, I didn't answer that question at all, cause I have lost my way.

May be someone out there who is older and wiser can tell me, is it true the more we see life as it is, the more we learn, and the more we are afraid of losing it? Is it true that the older we live, we treasure life even more? Is getting more mature meaning running into a fire to save someone became out of question?

The higher being never let us choose who live or who died, i am pretty sure I don't have that control too. So if I don't get to say how long i will live and how I will died, should I care less about my own life? In situation when I get to choose I live or someone else died, what will i choose? If I choose to sacrifice, will that mean I commit suicide to let someone else live? Who get to say who is better to live and who is better off dead?

Today i am thinking, if being a helpful person make me vulnerable, what will i choose to be.

Just got into an auto accident

feeling shitty now, my lovely car has damaged corner now, like someone just took the can opener and pry open a corner of my car. And feeling worst is the owner that did it.

ai.....after all it's still in the lunar new year now......what a year opening with such incident.

It comes it goes

Another lunar new year ended. Everything everyone was working eagerly, some even happily waiting to celebrate the new year. Yesterday was the 1st day of the new lunar calendar year, and today.......it's 2nd day and just like any other day.

Chinese celebrate new year for 15 days, each day represent something in the universe, that's how chinese believe how everything are linked together. Me? Just a lost soul, lost the meaning of celebration, lost making it worthwhile.

They said when one stopped caring so much about things surrounded one, he lost the meaning of living, is it really true? I am old enough to know living doesn't just go around LOVE, but can LOVE carry all the weight of living?

All these make me sound like the older I am, the more confused I'll be. Older does make one wiser, but I guess it does make me confuse-r....weirdo!!

wow so fast......or was it not fast enough?

Tomorrow is the last day of the lunar calendar year, another year ended. Most will say it's too fast, mostly say that cause times just seem to run faster and faster, more and more things are unaccomplished, old age seems to come on faster.

The truth is time walk at the same pace, been like that for million of years. But our memory stacked up, feeling more and more things we left behind. That's why to look forward only to be seems to be walking more and more at the faster pace.

What if.......we just never look back and always look forward? Will things seem never to come quick enough? Like those young children who always think the night before the zoo trip seems to be the longest? Like those Christmas eve which seems never ending? Will we say then the time never seem to run fast enough?

What if.......we know going forward is the same ending, days in days out, happy or sad, rich or poor, nice or mean, we all ended up.....DEAD! Then will we look forward to end this faster?

What if.......we know going forward will only be better, everything will be alright in the end, when the going get tough, the tough will get going. Will we look forward to pass thru this faster and finally say......Time doesn't seem to run fast enough?

##^$&**(#*Y(*@)*$&)(!)*$

With the pure purpose with getting away from jem, started driving at 12am last nite. No jem but darn still lots of cars. My friend told me that because of the highway discount everyone will drive after midnight anyway, I didn't believe much, until the road was still filled with car so I have to believe then. But when i look closer, those car plate are mostly from Singapore, Johor, Johor, Perak, Kedah, Johor........ I didn't calculate the time properly again, thinking only driving later was not enough, those cars did not start driving the same time I do, they are just arriving the same area as I do..............kena lagi.

But it wasn't that bad, just a 2 hours drive shouldn't complaint too much.

This time driving back for CNY alone for the first, usually have my aunt acoompany because she always spend CNY with my family. Got some time to think this time (usually aunt will talk nonstop to keep me accompany). Looking at those license plate, I realize I am not so bad in situation compare to others. Some work in KL, but hometown in Kuantan, some in Kedah, some seems to be coming from Johor and going even further north than me, I am only between KL and Ipoh, like a 2 hrs drive only. HAHA......like I can feel less guilt and less abandoning my dad.

Doesn't look forward for going back home this CNY, 1) traffic 2) I should clean the house, meaning hard work that I want to do but don't feel like much doing it. 3) Have to cook for Saturday night dinner, 4) and Sunday morning. I guess I really didn't like much to be in the kitchen.

Live large, Take chance, Die young!

Life is about taking chance, live wiser, stay healthy, stay young, and hopefully can die young. Kiss harder, love deeper, live harder, think deeper. How to grow wiser everyday other than growing older everyday. Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero, believing in impermanence and momento mori.

What is it like to get off work on time?

I think I have lost that feeling for awhile now, always just staying back not because it is required but rather just prefer to stay back and work out whatever issue that is behind. Sometimes till 9pm, sometimes till 11pm sometimes till 12am. There was even a 1am sometimes.

Did I just lost myself in my work or my work is helping me to lose myself, I am not sure now too. I should find myself a reason to get off work on time. I will try it tomorrow.

hmm.....wait......I have a late meeting tomorrow....I guess not tomorrow.....another day another time.

I got a feeling!

Joining a friend birthday party, the afternoon rain has make the night temperature much more bearable. I am sure the party mood and the bbq are going to raise up party temperature later. Tonight is gonna be a good good night.

Just gonna relax and enjoy a bunch of new friends who seem to be able to make tonight interesting!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Hahaha........found my old blog account!!

Geez......there was a time I wanted to start a blog of my own, probably just a collection of thoughts. But I guess I didn't do much with it. So now that I found it, converted it to the google account, now what? just start blogging?? hmm.......a mind of a single woman enjoying the world, who would want to read it anyway. I should learn to keep the pollution of the internet low.

First Post, testing blogging for the first time.